Friday, April 27, 2012
Zombie Divorce Is Painful Too
I know that in my case, it was clear that the first option was no option at all. Although at the time, my ex-wife and I were great companions, that was where it ended, and to continue to live as glorified roommates would be a dis-service to not only our daughter, but to us as well. Had we no desire to have any type of physical romantic relationship again, with all the benefits that went along with it, we could have survived as parents living together, doing all the non-physical stuff that we had been doing up to that point. But we both wanted more, and knew that it would become evident and a problem for our daughter as time wore on. So the decision to divorce was made, quite easily in fact.
In some cases, counseling is an option, and I have always felt that in a case like ours, and like some of my friends who also have had these issues, that the marriage is like a car and it's tank of gas. If there is some gas left, keep driving, and see how far you can drive, and maybe get a refill and keep driving strong, maybe even stronger than before. But if it's completely empty, than refilling it may not be an option. Get out, leave it at the side of the road, and walk away. Our tank was empty.
Our daughter, thankfully, never really had to listen to us fight. We got along for the most part, so even though she was four at the time, she wasn't a victim of gamesmanship between us. We were able to explain that we both loved her and that she would have a safe place to stay with both of us. It was decided that she stay with me as her legal residence. We parted amicably and up until recently, remained that way. I feel bad for children that have to endure parental arguments, especially the ones that are preceding an eroding marriage. It's extremely painful, and can be hurtful and confusing. Questions begin, like "Did I do something to cause this?" Many times these questions go unanswered, only compounding the confusion and anxiety that the children are feeling. Sometimes they have the luxury of counseling, or programs at school, like the "banana splits" program at my kids school.
I was lucky enough to find love again, and fairly soon after my ex-wife and I separated. Some may say it was soon, but my ex had found someone as well, and we had been living as friends for so long, that it wasn't like we needed a mourning time for our marriage. We had done it for years. My new found love had two little boys, and close in age to my daughter, so the fit was pretty good. We slowly merged the families, trying to make the transition easier for all. We both immediately knew that we had found the person we knew to be "the one", and marriage ensued a few months later. We now have been together for over three years, and the kids have blended together as brothers and sister, and thigns are going well. My ex, on the other hand, has moved from boyfriend to boyfriend, and has not been able to find true love or happiness, and that unfortunately trickles down to me and my life. I have become the enemy, and my daughter, unfortunately, is caught in the middle. I have been blessed with a bright, intelligent girl, and she understands the situation, and knows that there is no side to choose. I wish things were different, but I have to deal with what comes, when it comes.
What I was trying to do in this book, much like Stop Bullying Me! I'm A Zombie. So What?, was to deal with a social topic that is very important, and there's not a lot of books out there for kids to read and relate to. Having a blended family, I wanted to go through all the types of issues that many kids deal with during the times of a divorce, and hopefully they can be entertained by characters that are zombies, but also learn and be able to relate to the issues as well.
I'm hoping that it will meet with the same level of appreciation as I have had from the bullying book, and that children will read and enjoy it, knowing that they are not alone in their feelings as children of divorce.
Posted by Edward Kent at 7:50 AM